First Dates – Four Ways To Build A Strong Foundation

First Dates are not tricky if you aren’t trying to be tricky. When people say, “be yourself on the first date.” They mean allowing others to get to know you. Tell them who you were, who you are, and who you want to be! Don’t hold back, and don’t second guess yourself. The truth will make your decisions.

Here are four ways to start working toward creating a lifetime partnership!

1. Show Up To The Date

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you to hide who you are. Show up to merge, highlighting the good with the bad, giving the relationship a positive direction. Never allow doubt the cloud your judgment. Give the person in front of you informed choices. The worst that can happen is another last date. The best case is the second date to the rest of your life. Regardless, the foundation will be set.

2. Pick A Place To Talk

Choosing the right place is essential. The First Date is about 5 hours on average; spend the time talking about your past, the present, and how both futures would look together. Remember, the goal is finding a life partner, not wasting time. Make every moment count. When you walk away from the date, leave with certainty.

3. Ignore The Physical

Sex is good. Being physically attracted to one another is different from acting on the attraction. Though the physical is essential in a romantic relationship. It should be binding. Make sure you are connected spiritually before allowing your bodies to bond. If you believe this person is worth intimacy, go through the process. Get to know them, connect on core values, plan a life together, and commit by agreeing to join the body and soul.

4. Don’t Play Games

Playing games can be fun, but with people’s hearts isn’t fun. If you are not interested after getting to know the person, let them know. If you are ready for a second date, reach out. But don’t ghost them, wait for them to call, or play coy. Transparency is attractive, and anyone who says otherwise is lying.

The First Date is not the first day of the rest of your life. It is the evaluation of having a life partner. If you are dedicated to the process, death will be the only thing that can keep you apart.

Four Forms of Relationship Manipulation

Four Forms of Relationship Manipulation in accountable relationships

Relationships take having the mentality that we are in this together. The health of any relationship hinges on our ability to remain on the same page. How do we stay on the same page? Transparency! Our ability to keep our Loved ones informed. Having the ability to make informed decisions allows us to build Accountable Relationships. Manipulation is the opposite of creating Accountable Relationships. But, sometimes, we don’t know when we are being manipulative. There are four forms of manipulation that society deems acceptable but are not. This blog will address these four forms of manipulation: Monitoring Tone, I Don’t Want to Argue, Not Bringing Up The Past, and Don’t Judge Me. After reading this blog, I hope you are mindful of avoiding these tactics in your relationships.

Four Forms Of Relationship Manipulation

Monitoring Tone: 

We all know loud, reserved, blunt, and passionate people. It’s critical to understand each person in our village. So, Bringing up “tone of voice” in a discussion or disagreement is manipulation. It is not the tone of the message but the goal of each person in the dialogue or debate. Goals should be what aligns us. My mother and I discussed her having four boys with four different temperaments. She told me a story about how a senior woman explained the importance of getting to know each boy. The woman said, “the focus should be on building a relationship with them, not encouraging them to fit your ideal of the world.” I would give the same advice to our “Builders.”
Listening is the intent of taking in the information. Regardless of how it sounds. For example: If a passionate person relays an issue to someone reserved. The “passionate person” believes the “reserved person” doesn’t care enough if they don’t show passion, and the quiet person believes they are being controlled. Instead of changing people’s tones, try to accomplish progress by coming to an aligned intention and working from there. Anyone that is bringing up voice tone is ultimately vilifying the other and will be met with defense, which is counterproductive. The goal should be connective. So we can walk on one accord.

I Don’t Want to Argue: 

Arguing is a tool to resolve issues or add fuel to the fire. As you heard us (The LoveSnobs) say before, “It is never the tool, but how the tool is applied. The word “argument” is mentioned. It’s with a negative connotation, but the word itself isn’t negative. We use ” I Don’t Want To Argue” to avoid conflict or accountability. We all should want to argue in relationships because that is where we find common ground (if used properly). Like, “Monitoring Tone,” we should always establish what we are trying to accomplish before stating our positions. The first person that says they don’t want to argue is disconnecting and will cause distance. So my recommendation is to want to argue when you disagree. Just argue to agree. But saying, “I Don’t Want To Argue,” says I don’t want to get on the same page, and I want to control the relationship passively aggressively. Remember, free speech means “everyone has the freedom to speak.” Use your speech to get closer, not push your Loved ones away. Embrace different views to find collective outcomes!

Not Bringing Up the Past:

You have seen a million videos about the past indicating future behavior. Let’s take it one step further. Have you ever heard someone vote against bringing up the past when discussing a good experience? Let me answer that “no!” So, why is it taboo to mention history connected to betrayal or adverse experiences? Our society is not keen on accountability.
If someone is bringing up the past: It means they want to discuss it further, or they are not over it and need further clarification. How about not playing the victim for victimizing someone and engaging their trip down memory lane? Don’t manipulate them by making them the problem. Trust us. If you are open to discussing your transgression as much as needed, the trust will start to repair itself. This is what accountable relationships look like, not avoiding the discussions. Lean into the past and see how it benefits your present and future.

Don’t Judge Me:

We have a podcast discussion titled “Guilt Shouldn’t Be A Weapon In Relationships.” In the conversation, we discussed not wanting to “be judged” in our relationships. It’s one of the ways we guilt/manipulate people into acceptance. Still, we believe we had to add this to the list. Nobody says, “Don’t Judge Me,” when they do something in the best interest of their relationships. Yet, that statement seems to arise as a way to avoid accountability. 

When we act selfishly, we should embrace judgment to start replacing the damage we caused. We should never pass the buck or pretend someone is playing god by acknowledging our wrongdoing. Remember, if we have the right to act, people have the right to evaluate our decisions. Instead of using guilt to escape the consequences of your actions, start rebuilding your relationship. 

Judging your and others’ decisions is a healthy practice in all relationships. Prejudgment is unhealthy. Once we have the information, it’s examined, and we will decide on the next course of action. So, judge each other fairly. But, judge!

These four forms of manipulation fly under the radar, but the damage slowly chips away at our relationships. Identifying them as early as possible is essential. Let’s have more Accountable Relationships by taking manipulation out of them. 

By The LoveSnobs