Four Forms of Relationship Manipulation

Four Forms of Relationship Manipulation in accountable relationships

Relationships take the mentality that we’re in this together. The health of any relationship hinges on our ability to stay on the same page. So how do we stay there? Transparency — our ability to keep our loved ones informed. When people can make informed decisions, we build Accountable Relationships.

Manipulation is the opposite of that. But sometimes we don’t even know we’re being manipulative. There are four forms of manipulation society treats as acceptable, and they aren’t: Monitoring Tone, I Don’t Want To Argue, Not Bringing Up The Past, and Don’t Judge Me. Let’s take them one at a time.

Four Forms Of Relationship Manipulation

Monitoring Tone: 

We all know loud people, reserved people, blunt people, and passionate people. Understanding each person in our Village is critical. So bringing up someone’s “tone of voice” during a discussion or disagreement is manipulation. It isn’t the tone of the message that matters — it’s the goal of each person in the conversation. Goals are what align us.

My mother and I once talked about her raising four boys with four different temperaments. She told me about a senior woman who explained the importance of getting to know each boy individually. The woman said the focus should be on building a relationship with them, not on getting them to fit your ideal of the world. I’d give our Builders the same advice.

Listening means taking in the information — regardless of how it sounds. When a passionate person brings an issue to someone reserved, the passionate one thinks the reserved one doesn’t care enough because they aren’t showing passion. Meanwhile, the reserved one feels controlled. Instead of trying to change someone’s tone, work toward an aligned intention and build from there.

Anyone who brings up your tone is ultimately vilifying you, and they’ll be met with defense. That’s counterproductive. The goal should be connective, so we can walk on one accord.

I Don’t Want to Argue: 

Arguing is a tool. It can resolve an issue or pour fuel on the fire. As we’ve said before, it’s never the tool — it’s how you apply it. The word “argument” carries a negative connotation, but the word itself isn’t negative.

We say “I don’t want to argue” to avoid conflict or accountability. We should want to argue in our relationships, because that’s where we find common ground when it’s done right. Like monitoring tone, we should always establish what we’re trying to accomplish before we state our positions.

The first person who says they don’t want to argue is disconnecting, and that creates distance. So our recommendation is simple: want to argue when you disagree. Just argue to agree. Saying “I don’t want to argue” really says I don’t want to get on the same page, and I want to control this relationship passive-aggressively.

Remember, free speech means everyone has the freedom to speak. Use yours to get closer, not to push your loved ones away. Embrace different views to find collective outcomes.

Not Bringing Up the Past:

You’ve seen a million videos about how the past indicates future behavior. Let’s take it one step further. Have you ever heard someone object to bringing up the past when it’s a good memory? No. So why is it taboo to mention history connected to betrayal or hurt? Because our society isn’t keen on accountability.

When someone brings up the past, it means one of two things: they want to discuss it further, or they aren’t over it and need more clarity. So how about not playing the victim for victimizing someone? Walk with them down memory lane. Don’t manipulate them by turning them into the problem.

Trust us — if you stay open to discussing your transgression as many times as it takes, the trust will start repairing itself. That’s what Accountable Relationships look like. Lean into the past and see how it serves your present and your future.

Don’t Judge Me:

We have a podcast episode called “Guilt Shouldn’t Be A Weapon In Relationships.” where we talked about not wanting to be judged in our relationships. It’s one of the ways we guilt people into acceptance, and it earned a spot on this list.

Nobody says “don’t judge me” when they’ve done something in the best interest of their relationship. That phrase only shows up as a way to dodge accountability.

When we act selfishly, we should embrace judgment so we can start repairing the damage we caused. We shouldn’t pass the buck or act like someone’s playing God for naming our wrongdoing. If we have the right to act, people have the right to evaluate our actions. So instead of using guilt to escape the consequences, start rebuilding the relationship.

Judging your own decisions and the decisions of others is a healthy practice. Prejudgment is the unhealthy one. Once we have the information, we examine it and decide our next move.

So judge each other fairly. But judge.

Take Manipulation Out Of It

These four forms of manipulation fly under the radar, but the damage slowly chips away at our relationships. Identifying them early is essential.

Let’s have more Accountable Relationships by taking the manipulation out of them.