Arguing Is Healthy For Our Relationships
We see the words “arguing is healthy for our relationships,” and our first instinct is to reject the idea. Why? Because “argue” has become a bad word. We treat it as the absence of logic — proof that nothing will get resolved. So we keep our thoughts to ourselves, retreat into solitude, and avoid conflict. Then we wonder why our self-esteem is so low.
As a society, we constantly dread the negative. We’re waiting on “the drama” so intently that we create more of it trying to escape it. We keep our opposing views to ourselves, manage the people in our lives, and define a healthy relationship as whoever argues the least.
But arguments are where the merging of ideas takes place. They’re how we assess all the information and form best practices. Conflict happens in any long-term relationship — and that’s healthy. If disagreements never happen, someone is holding back. And people who hold back eventually explode, or you come home one day and their clothes are gone.
Relationships Exist To Connect — Not To Avoid Disconnecting
Sit with that sentence.
“Connecting so we don’t disconnect” is not the same as “connecting because we’re confident we can resolve our disconnections.” One is governed by fear. The other by trust.
Picture a relationship with no conflict: nobody speaks up when they should, every idea is accepted without question, and everyone stays quietly on their own side of the line. Now picture two people who disagree for the sole purpose of moving forward together.
Which relationship do you actually want?
We’re not saying all arguing is good, or that everyone knows how to argue. But arguing with purpose is necessary for the health and accountability of our relationships. Here are four reasons why.
1) Conflict Is A Tool For Resolution.
We all have different ideas, and those ideas give us our identity. But in a relationship, the goal is one accord.
Conflict is a tool for resolution. We have to start seeing an argument as a chance to resolve our differences. Yes, we have to be productive in how we approach it — but first we have to see it as an opportunity instead of a hindrance.
Conflict shows investment in the relationship. It gives each person a chance to say what isn’t working. Just reshaping our mentality around the word “argue” puts us halfway to solving the issue.
2) Arguing Is Where Free Speech Lives
Let me say that again: arguing is where free speech lives.
In an argument we can show our passion for a topic, have a heated exchange, and strengthen the relationship in the process. The first sign a relationship is unhealthy is when you never argue. Two strangers coming together are going to disagree about plenty.
What makes two or more people compatible is their ability to find agreement inside disagreement. That takes patience, will, and honor. When you have mutual respect, creating rules of engagement is freedom. And free speech is essential to our psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.
3) We Collect More Stress Holding Our Thoughts In.
Have you ever had a headache, felt fatigued, gotten angry easily, and cycled through constant negative thoughts?
Now look at the person who actually shares their views: clear-headed, energetic, calm, optimistic. That’s because they’re relieving their stress through open dialogue. They embrace conflict. They’re vulnerable enough to risk being wrong. They stay engaged no matter how many emotions run through them in the heat of it. They understand that walking away wondering is more stressful than weathering the disagreement.
Disagreeing and eventually reaching agreement is a stress reliever. It’s difficult at first, but your body will thank you later.
Every Relationship Will Benefit From Ironing Out Our Grievances.
The healthiest thing you can do when a problem arises is address it. The best time is in the moment — but if the moment isn’t right, say plainly that you want to discuss it later.
Look forward to the conflict. Believe it will bring you closer. We can never forget that we’re in this relationship together, and it’s every party’s job to maintain its health.
Yes, an argument can spiral out of control — but even in the chaos, clarity gets found.
How Do We Argue To Make The Relationship More Authentic?
When people believe they can disagree without losing — that they’ll actually gain closeness — they’re far more willing to share what they really think. When a relationship revolves around best practices, we argue to build something collective, not to push a single agenda. The goal is to strengthen the bond. That’s arguing with purpose.
Remember, we build relationships to challenge and enhance the people in them, with the collective’s health as the priority. That enhancement comes from challenging each other’s biases. We all have them, conscious or unconscious. Someone raised in a traditional home may believe women do one thing and men do another. Their spouse or friends may see it completely differently. Without the ability to address those differences, a divide forms.
Arguing lets us talk through these things, change minds, and enrich the bond in the process.
What We Actually Fear Is Ego
We fear that pride will get in the way of progress — and that fear is understandable. Ego is an “I” thing. It cares more about being validated than about finding best practices. It’s a vice most of us carry, but one we can overcome with a shift in mentality. And that shift starts with looking at arguing differently.
An argument is a clash of ideas. Ego is what stops those ideas from becoming one shared idea.
Use The Tool Well
Arguing gets a bad rap, but it’s only a tool. How we use it is entirely within our control. Use your arguments to strengthen your connections — not to prove how much of an individual you are.
So embrace the dispute. It will show you who’s really in your life. Are you built for drama or for resolution? Dramatic people avoid. Resolvers engage.
Arguing is healthy for our relationships — why we engage is what makes the difference.
Think about it.
The LoveSnobs
